More putdowns for people you don't like

QUOTE from Maya Angelou: "I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."

Only HUMOR today: Here are more putdowns for people who are jerks.
-When someone first meets you, they don't like you. But when they get to know you better, they hate you.
-I don't think you're an asshole, but I seem to be in the minority.
-You're the reason God created the middle finger.
-Your father should have pulled out.
-When people say you're the perfect jerk, I tell them you're not perfect, but you're doing all right.
-There's Mr. Right, there's Mr. Wrong, and then there's you- Mr. Never Wrong.

A nightmare for two college basketball officials.

QUOTE from Maya Angelou: "I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back..."

I LEARNED how tough it can be for college basketball officials. I read this true story in one of my sports trivia books. With the NCAA tournament going on I hope this doesn't happen next weekend, for the sake of the officials. This true story is from 1956 when the U. of Detroit was playing U. of Wichita at Wichita. The home team had a reputation for hosting crowds that were unruly and often inebriated.

Detroit was down by one point with four seconds to play as they began to inbound the ball. They pushed the ball into the frontcourt and, before time ran out, a Detroit player was able to get off a shot. As the two officials followed the arc of the ball toward the hoop, they were shocked to see that a Wichita fan had tossed an overcoat from the field house balcony and landed it right over the rim. The ball hit the coat and bounced off as the buzzer sounded.

The two officials were faced with a situation they had never encountered before. As they contemplated what call to make, they were surrounded by a wild mob of Whchita fans who were scrambling across the court, celebrating. One of the the officials turned to the other and said, "It's 120 feet to our dressing room, and I'm not going to call anything until we both get to the door." With the door locked behind them, the one official notified both teams that he had called the shot good, and the basket gave Detroit a one-point win.

Wisely, the two officials waited until they could hear no fans remaining in the Wichita field house before leaving their dressing room and heading home. It was a situation they hoped they would never face again.

HUMOR for today:  If there are certain people in this world who rub you the wrong way here are some funny words to put them in their place.
1. Do you have to work that hard to be a jerk, or does it just come naturally?
2. You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you're the opposite - obnoxious and arrogant.
3. You're not yourself today! I noticed the improvement immediately.
4. If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd fart.
5. Since your personality acts as a birth control device, you must save lots of money on condoms.

More quotes from death row.

QUOTE from Maya Angelou: 'I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life.'

HUMOR:  More quotes from death row inmates waiting execution from gas, electrocution, hanging, or lethel injection.
"Are you sure this thing is safe." - From English poisoner Dr. William Palmer as he was escorted to the gallows trapdoor in 1855, after killing fourteen people.

"I'd like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me. The rest of the world can kiss my ass." - From Alton Harris, gassed on April 21, 1992.

"I think I'd rather be fishing." - From Jimmy Glass, electrocuted June 12, 1987.

"I'm still awake." - From Robyn Leroy Parks, after his lethal injection on March 10, 1992.

"You might make that a double." - From British murderer Neville Heath, gratefully accepting the offer of a last drink before being hanged in 1946.

"I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this." -From Thomas J. Grasso, unimpressed by room service before being executed by lethal injection for his role in the murder of an elderly Tulsa woman in March 1995.

Twelve Original Observations Made by Condemned Men

QUOTE from Maya Angelou: "I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."

I LEARNED the odds for the worst NFL teams making it to the Super Bowl in 2012. Here are the answers to yesterday's quiz:

Panthers are 100/1; Bills are 80/1; Cardinals are 65/1; and the Bengals, Browns, and Redskins are all 50/1.

I don't know if I should call the following HUMOR but they are fun to read. The following are QUOTES from men condemned to die by electrocution, gas, hanging, firing squad, or lethal injection:

"At least I'll get some high-class education." Murderer John Deering, facing the firing quad, after willing his body to the U. of Utah.

"Pretty soon you're going to see a baked Appel." George Appel as he was strapped into the electric chair in 1928.

"Will this gas bother my asthma?" Luis Jose Monge, awaiting death by gassing for the murders of his wife and three kids, at Colorado State Prison in 1967.

"Warden, I'd like a little bicarb because I'm afraid I'm going to get gas in my stomach right now." Charles de la Roi, sentenced to death by gas in 1946 in California for killing a fellow inmate.

This one is my favorite. "How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? 'French fries!'" James French, electroculated in Oklahoma in 1966.

"Just our luck....we haven't even got a decent day for it." Frank Negran to his fellow murderer Alex Carrion as they awaited execution at Sing Sing in 1933.

In my next post I'll give six more.

More NFL odds for the worst teams

QUOTE from Maya Angelou: " I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."

LEARNING more about the Las Vegas Super Bowl odds for 2012. Here are the correct answers from yesterday about the favorites to make it the 2012 Super Bowl.
Packers are 9/2
Patriots are 5/1
Steelers are 6/1
Jets are 8/1
Eagles are 8/1

Here are the Las Vegas odds for the NFL teams least likely to make it to the Super Bowl. See if you can match up the team with the odds.

100/1 Redskins- Cardinals-Panthers-Browns-Bengals-Bills
80/1
65/1
50/1
50/1
50/1

HUMOR for today: Another good HAGAR and HELGA laugh.

Helga is busy cooking again while Hagar is giving their son some advice.

HAGAR: "I want you to start practicing how to be a Viking warrior like me, my son."
SON: "How do I do that, Dad?"
HELGA: "First you forget everything you've ever learned about table manners, and then go in and mess up your room!"

Las Vegas betting odds for the Super Bowl winner in 2012

QUOTE from W.C. Fields: "Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water."

I LEARNED what the Las Vegas betting odds are for the Super Bowl winner in 2012. While on my morning walk in Laughlin last Friday I stopped at the Golden Nugget and picked up a sheet of paper from LEROY'S Race and Sports Books. The sheet of paper was a list of the betting odds for every NFL team and their chance of winning the Super Bowl in 2012. So I have a quiz today - see how you do. The answers will be in my next post.

Here are the Las Vegas odds for the top five picks. See if you can match up the odds with the team.

9/2 Eagles
5/1 Packers
6/1 Jets
8/1 Steelers
8/1 Patriots

HUMOR for today: I got my usual laugh when reading Hagar this morning.

Helga is in the kitchen cooking (as usual) when Hagar walks in the door. She has her back to him so she can't see.

Hagar says: "I'm back from my raid on Scotland, Helga.
Helga says: "I hope you brought back some nice gifts for the kids and me..... but I doubt it."
Hagar is standing in the doorway with 2 kegs of beer, one under each arm.

Starting my day with a smile.

QUOTE from W.C. Fields: "Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."



It's GRATITUDE today: When looking through my quote book this morning I ran across the above quote from W.C. Fields. The quote struck me as that is what I try to do and I knew I had written about that in my Gratitude Journal from 2009. I found it in entry #84, written on March 25, 2009. That day I wrote. "I'm grateful for Pickles and Hagar." Then I explained:

Everyday at breakfast I get my day started with a couple of good laughs. I'm talking about my two favorite comics: Pickles and Hagar. Pickles is the story of the daily struggles of Earl and Opal. Earl and Opal are a retired couple who challenge each other's every move. The creator is a genius - he hits the daily life of senior citizen's right on the head. Pickles is my first laugh of the day - my second is Hagar.Hagar is known as Hagar the Horrible. He is a tough Viking and is married to a tough woman - her name is Helga. Hagar is not the epitome of an ambitious man and Helga is always on his butt for doing nothing. The only thing he does consistently is drink beer and he and Helga go round and round day after day. Hagar and his men do go and pillage Europe but when he gets home he spends way too much time in the tavern. The creator of Hagar is also a genius. I'm grateful to Earl, Opal, Helga and Hagar for letting me start off every day with a smile.

HUMOR for today: Alan, age 10, answered this question:

Q. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
A. You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

Kristen, age 10, answered this way: No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

More LEARNINGS fromLauglin

QUOTE from Spike Milligan: "All I want is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy."

More LEARNINGS from Laughlin:

3. Brother Chuck and wife Marlys drove to Laughlin from Casa Grande, Arizpna to spend a few days with us. They had their car so we got to take a tour of Laughlin's other casinos - there are eleven of them - so we learned it is like a little Las Vegas strip. They also took us to Oatman (a little old mining town) about 15-20 miles from Laughlin. Silver was mined there in the late 1800s and early 1900s. The most interesting aspect of present day Oatman is that donkeys wander around the main street. They were used by the miners to pull the ore cars out of the mines. When mining ceased in the early 1900s the donkeys were left to be on their own. So they wander the streets and enjoy the food given to them by the many tourists visiting Oatman. They were real friendly and easy to pet.
Another interesting tidbit of history was the hotel we went into to get an ice cream cone. In 1939 Clark Gable and his actress bride (can't remember her name) spent their honeymoon at this hotel. In future years they came back many times to visit in order to get away from the hustle and bustle of Hollywood - they liked the anonymity Oatman provided. That was a fun visit - interesting and educational.

4. Over my 70 years of life I've LEARNED it is so interesting to start talking to strangers. An example is what happened last Wednesday night. I was at the bar playing video poker when I struck up a conversation with the guy next to me. Before we got done talking we found out a lot about each other. He was originally from the Cresco area of Iowa but now lived in Winona, Minnesota. I told him I was originally from Chatfield, Minnesota but now lived in Anamosa, Iowa. He mentioned he was in Laughlin to play golf with several brothers. When I asked how many brothers he had he said he had 6 brothers. I said "you have to be kidding because I also have 6 brothers." Then he said I have two sisters. And I said I also have 2 sisters but I lost a third sister in her first day of life. Then he says his Mom lost one baby also due to a miscarriage but she didn't know if it was a boy or girl. Anyway we went onto talk about our careers and the sibling rivalries we had growing up. It was a fun conversation and it just goes to show how interesting life can be when you
start talking to strangers.

5. I LEARNED the Colorado River was not nearly as wide as I had imagined it. A good swimmer could easily make it across in 15-20 minutes. It was also the first time I had seen a river taxi. Many people (employees and tourists) park across the river and get on the pontoon taxi and go across. It is free and no hassle finding a parking place.

6. Ruth Ann LEARNED what a multi-millionare's wife looks like. Ruth Ann was going up to our 8th floor room last Friday afternoon. When she got on the elevator an elderly lady got on with her. They started visiting and the lady said I'm Betty Laughlin, Don Laughlin's wife. Ruth Ann said she looked to be in her late seventies. Ruth Ann said she looked weather beaten, like she'd had too much sun - in other words she had a lot of wrinkles. They talked about their Minnesota roots - Betty was from Faribault. Ruth Ann said I'm from Chatfield - Betty knew where Chatfield was. Betty was going to the 11th floor - Ruth Ann guessed her and Don had their own suite there. That was a fun little sidelight for Ruth Ann.

7. I LEARNED how to make $200.00. It is easy to make $200 if you get a Royal Flush. I was playing nickel video poker when I was dealt the ten, jack and ace of clubs. I discarded the 2 losers and the good machine dealt me the queen and king of clubs on hand #1. I was playing three hands at 6 nickels per hand for a total of 18 nickels or 90 cents. That is a good feeling to look at the screen and see the words Royal Flush - you just won 4,000 nickels.


HUMOR from Laughlin: The reason I didn't make more money is that I didn't want to create a vacuum. Ben Franklin said "The more money a man has, the more he wants. Instead of filling a vacuum, it makes one."
I didn't want to make my life more complicated by winning lots of money. (If you believe that you're not too smart.)

I'd rather go with the quote I wrote today. "All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make my happy." That sounds like more fun than worrying about creating a vacuum.

Some LEARNINGS from Laughlin

QUOTE from Ben Franklin: "Money never made a man happy yet, nor will it. The more a man has, the more he wants. Instead of filling a vacuum, it makes one."

LEARNINGS from Laughlin. Ruth Ann and I spent five days in Laughlin, Nevada last week. I've been trying to identify some things I learned during those five days. Here are a few things I learned:

1. I learned we can take a five day vacation for very little money. An Anamosa friend told us about the great deals offered by the Riverside Hotel-Casino in Laughlin. Se we called the number he gave us to find out the details. We could go from Dubuque to Laughlin for $299.00 each. We would get the flight out and back and four free nights at the Riverside. It was hard to turn down a deal like that so we took it.

2. We learned that the Riverside Hotel-Casino was founded by a man named Don Laughlin. Don was born and raised on a farm near Owatonna, Minnesota. When going to high school in Owatonna in the early 1950s he earned money by trapping mink and muskrat. Then he bought slot machines (they were legal then) from a mail-order catalog and installed them in local taverns. The profits he earned were shared with the tavern owners.
He was making $500.00 a week when his school principal gave him an ultimatum: get out of the slot business or get out of school. Don told the principal he was making three times more than he was so my choice is to drop out of school.
About the time he dropped out of school Congress the Johnson Act which abolished slot machines and interstate shipment nationwide.
So Don moved to Las Vegas because Nevada was the only state that allowed gambling and he wanted to stay in the gaming business. There he worked as a bartender and attended card and dice dealers school at night. In 1954 he saved enough money to buy his own business, the 101 Club in North Las Vegas. Ten years later he sold the place for $165,000. Ready for new challenges, Don embarked on what would become an incredible journey.
In 1964 Don began scouting the rugged desert in his private plane. A Colorado River stretch of land called the Tri State caught his attention. The area was vacant except for a boarded-up eight-room motel. Two years later, he paid $235,000 ($35,000 down) for the motel and six acres of Colorado River front property.
In 1966, the Riverside Resort opened and offered all-you-can-eat chicken dinners for 98 cents, play on 12 slot machines and two gaming tables, and accommodations that included a stay in one of the four of eight rooms - the Lauglin family occupied in the other rooms.
Tri State eventually became the town of Laughlin, named after Don. Don became quite wealthy and started expanding: He added 48 rooms in 1972; 52 rooms in 1975; 253 rooms in 1983; 307 rooms in 1986; 792 rooms in 1994; for a total of 1,405 rooms and suites, most with breathtaking river views.
So I'd say Don has done all right since dropping out of Owaronna High School in the early 1950s.

Tomorrow I'll tell some more things I learned.

Why a soccer ball is the size it is?

QUOTE from H. L. Mencken, 1880-1956: "It is inaccurate to say I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty and common decency. This make me forever inelgible for any public office."

What I LEARNED today: While reading my bathroom book (100 TERRIBLE TASTELESS LISTS) this morning I ran across this little tidbit of history. ---A.D. 850. The size of a regulation soccer ball, roughly the same as a man's head, is arrived at by design: English soldiers enjoy kicking around the head of a dead Danish bandit.

Brad, you'll have to tell Mads about this.

HUMOR for today: THE MARRIAGE PROPOSITION: Your prospects are grim if the only people who ask you to marry are your mother and father.

THE SUCCESS SECRET: Many a man owes his success to his first wife, and the second wife to his success.

COST COVENANT: Talk is cheap. Engagement rings aren't.

No blog the rest of this week. Ruth Ann and I are flying to Laughlin, Nevada tomorrow morning to win big bucks. Wish us luck. We're coming back Saturday.

Pete and his 4 numbers

QUOTE from Aldous Huxley: "Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him."

I LEARNED what the Mayo Clinic thinks of my 4 numbers.

Yesterday I got a call from the doctor's office telling me what my 4 numbers were. The numbers were 132, 48, 190, and 51. I had a physical last week and had a blood test. I would guess most of you can figure out what the numbers mean.
132 was my LDL (the bad stuff)
48 was my HDL (the good stuff)
190 was my total cholesterol
51 was my triglycerides

I went to google and got the Mayo Clinic levels and what they mean.
Here is what the Mayo Clinic says about my numbers.

LDL: Below 100 is ideal for people at risk of heart disease.
100-129 - near ideal.
130-159 - borderline high. (I was here at 132- almost made it)
160-189 - high.
190-above - very high.

HDL: Below 40 - poor.
41-59 - better. (I was here at 48)
60-above - best.

Total
Cholesterol: Below 200 - desirable. (I was here at 190)
200-239 - borderline high.
240-above - high.

Triglycerides: Below 150 - desirable. ( I was here at 51)
150-199 - borderline high.
200-499 - high.
500 - above - very high.

My numbers are pretty decent, but I wouldn't get an "A". I guess I'd put myself in the C+ to B- range. Dr. Vernon would like to see my LDL number under 100. He decided I didn't need medication at this time.

What thing I can't figure out is even though my HDL and LDL add up to 180 the lab says my total cholestorol is 190. I don't know where the extra ten points come from?????

How do some of you readers stack up to the Mayo Clinic rankings?


HUMOR for today: Golf season is about upon us. This is a cute golf joke.

Some golfers were trying to persuade a guy to play in a weekend tournament. The guy says, "Naaahh! I already played 3 times this week."

Then the golfers said, "Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids."

The guy starts to think about it, "Hell, I could win this thing."

Pete and Jerry - great memories from 1957 and 1958

QUOTE from General George Patton: "Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom."

Great MEMORIES from 1957-1958. As the quote says success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom. The Chatfield High School baseball team hit bottom in 1956. We didn't win more than one or two games that year. We were a young inexperienced team. The good thing about our 1956 losing season was it gave us youngsters some much needed experience and maturity.

We bounced high and success came to us in 1957 and 1958. In those two years we won 14 games and lost only 4, we won the District One Championship both years and came within one run of going to the Minnesota State High School baseball tournament in 1957. Austin beat us in extra innings. Jerry had a fantastic year in 1958: he allowed only 3 hits against Harmony and Stewartville; only 2 hits against Wykoff and Rushford; only 1 hit against Preston and Wykoff; and NO HITS against Spring Valley and Lanesboro.

According to General Patton we were a success - we really did bounce high. What a great memory those two years are.


HUMOR for today: A married man should forget his mistakes. There is no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Pete andf Jerry and the 1956 baseball season and the absurdity of Carson Ode.

QUOTE from Peter Bungum (paraphrasing Bertrand Russell). "The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not utterly absurd; indeed in view of the silliness of Carson Ode, his widespread belief that he got three hits off Jerry Narveson in 1956 is more likely to be foolish than sensible."


MEMORIES of the 1956 baseball season in Chatfield, Minnesota. Jerry was the pitcher and I was the catcher and we were starters on the baseball team as sophomores. Our sophomore year was 1956 and we were not very good - we even got beat by Lanesboro. Lanesboro had a big white-haired Viking playing for them and he made the claim that he almost single-handedly beat us by getting three line hits off Jerry. He said "Jerry's pitches were so easy to hit it was like swinging at a watermelon - anybody could hit Jerry."

I want you to read the quote again. Carson Ode did not get three hits off Jerry Narveson in 1956. It is even questionable if he got two hits. I will concede he got one hit. I was catching and as Jerry delivered the pitch I could see Carson shut his eyes and swing wildly and was lucky enough to make contact and get a line drive to centerfield. But I did notice that when he came to bat he was shaking from fright having to face this young phenom from Chatfield. And his fright showed up in his next at-bats - as I recall he grounded out once and and struck out twice on Narveson curve balls.

HUMOR for today: Carson Ode foolishly thinking he got three hits off Jerry Narveson in 1956.

Pete and Jerry - two football jocks - September of 1957.

QUOTE from Humphrey Bogart: On his deathbed in 1957 Humphrey Bogart uttered these words: "I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis."

A fun MEMORY: While cleaning out some files in my office the other day I ran into this article. It was in the Rochester Post-Bulletin in September of 1957. It was fun to read again. I thought I'd share it today so see if any of you are impressed with these two JOCKS. Ha!~ Here it is:

PLAINVIEW FUMBLE ENABLES CHATFIELD TO GAIN 6-0 WIN.

Pouncing on a Plainview fumble in the third quarter, the Chatfield Gophers made their homeconing celebration a happy affair by scoring a 6-0 victory in their opening Whitewater league game.

Chatfield's big break came after a Plainview back fumbled a handoff, the slippery ball eluding his clutching fingers. Alert Jerry Narveson, all-around Chatfield athlete , recovered on the Plainview 42 to set the wheels in moti0n.

The Gophers wasted little time in scoring. Pete Bungum threw a pass to Pete Sullivan, the play carrying nine yards to the 33. Bungum then picked up three yards. Jim Buchanan went 10 yards to the 20, and Bungum connected on an aerial to Sullivan for a first down to the 17. Facing a fourth down and three situation, Narveson went off tackle to the three to rack up another first down. Narveson then slashed through the massed Plainview line for the TD.

Narveson attempted to plunge for the extra point but was racked up inches away from the payoff stripe.

"Strictly a team victory," was Coach Ziebell's appraisal of the game. "The boys wanted to win this game for the homecoming crowd and they succeeded."

(I'm sure all you readers are impressed with the heroics of Pete and Jerry.)

Some HUMOR for today (other than the above): I also found some Iowa State - Iowa jokes. These two schools do not like each other.

Iowa State jokes about Iowa:
1. On the Iowa City campus they installed a new water fountain. Well it's not actually a fountain, it's an enema bag with a slow leak.

2. How can you spot a Hawkeye? He's the one who could move into a slum and lower property values.
He's the one who asks for ketchup for his caviar.
He's the one who quit water polo cuz his horse drowned.
He's the one who goes ice fishing and comes home with a 25 pound block of ice and has it mounted.


Iowa jokes about Iowa State: The Cyclone football coach hired a beautician to work with their split ends.
The Iowa State professor bought a new hide-a-bed and now he can't find it.
The Iowa State football team has a balanced attack. They were intercepted as often as they fumbled.
Iowa State has culture. You can take the course, ELIZABETHAN HOG CALLING 101.

Can carrots help improve your vision?

QUOTE from Mae West (my Uncle Lewie's girlfriend): 'The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond."

What I LEARNED today: Everyday I eat 4-5 mini-carrots for my noon lunch. Ever since I was four years old I can remember Mom telling me to eat my carrots as they were good for my eyesight. While eating my carrots for lunch yesterday I was trying to read some fine print in a magazine and couldn't get the job done. I had to get a magnifying glass to figure out what the words were. I was thinking that with all the carrots I've eaten in my life I shouldn't have to be using a magifying glass to read this. Maybe Mom was lying to me - did she really know what she was tallking about? So I did some research and found out she didn't know what she was talking about. She wasn't lying either because she thought it was the truth. So here is what I LEARNED about carrots and eyesight.

According to SNOPES.com the claim that "Eating carrots results in improved vision" is FALSE.
The myth that carrots are so wonderful for eyesight comes out of World War II.
In WWII, Britain's air ministry spread the word that a diet of carrots helped British pilots see Nazi bombers attacking at night. That was a LIE intended to cover the real matter of what was underpinning the British Royal Air Force's recent successes in pinpointing some Nazi bombers before they reached the English Channel. The real reason was that Britain had invented airborne interception RADAR, also known as AI.

British Intelligence didn't want the Germans to find out about the superior new technology (radar) which was helping protect the nation, so they created a rumor to afford a somewhat plausible-sounding explanation for the sudden increase in bombers being shot down. News stories began appearing in the British press about extraordinary personnel manning the defenses, including Flight Lieutenant John Cunningham, an RAF pilot dubbed "Cats Eyes" on the basis of his exceptional night vision that allowed him to spot his prey in the dark. Cunningham's abilities were chalked up to his love of carrots. Further stories claimed RAF pilots were bing fed goodly amounts of carrots to foster similar abilities in them.

The disinformation was so persuasive that the English public took to eating carrots to help them find their way during the blackouts.

(However there is a bit of something to the carrot/vision presumption: Beta-carotene, which is found in carrots, may help reduce the risk of cataract and maculat degeneration.)

So now I know and you also know how the myth of carrots and improved eyesight got started. This is why I love history - little tidbits of history like this make life more interesting.


GRATITUDE for today: Two years ago today I wrote in my Gratitude Journal that I was grateful for yoga. Yoga has been part of my life for 40 years.. I'm grateful that I learned about yoga from a school assembly we had for our junior high students in 1971.. That's what started my interest in it. The best thing I learned about yoga was the breathing techniques, I still do them every morning.

HUMOR for today: More "funnies" about the differences between men and women.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: tootbrush, toothpaste, shaver, comb, bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

COLONOSCOPY HUMOR

QUOTE from Harry S. Truman: " I want a one-armed economist so that the guy could never make a statement and then say "on the other hand..."

What I LEARNED today: I learned what a "saluki" is. I turned on the radio today and there was a Missouri Valley basketball game being broadcast between the Southern Illinois Salukis and the Southeast Missouri Bears. I didn't really care who won the game but I did have a question - "What the heck is a saluki?" I used my encyclopedia and found an answer, a saluki is a DOG. They are members of the greyhound family and are also known as Persian greyhounds. The saluki resembles a greyhound with fringed ears, legs, and tail. They are extremely fast and raced in some countries. A saluki is a gazehound, meaning it hunts by sight rather than scent. So I learned not only what a saluki is but also a gazehound - it was doubleheader day.

Colonoscopy HUMOR today: Any of you who have had a colonoscopy will be able to relate to these comments. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (mostly male) while performing their colonoscopies. I found these in THE JOKER MAGAZINE.

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me now?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Alabama, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. 'Hey, Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit."
10. "You used to be executive at Enron, didn't you?"
AND THE BEST ONE OF ALL......
11. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

Today is a day for gratitude - I'm cancer free.

QUOTE from Erma Bombeck: "Never trust a doctor whose office plants have died."

Today is a day for GRATITUDE: Yesterday I went to my urologist to have a PSA check-up. It has been nearly four years since I had prostate cancer surgery in May of 2007. My PSA score at the time of surgery was 6.1. Yesterday I'm happy to announce my score was 0.0. It can't get any better than that. I was one happy guy when the nurse led me into the exam room and told me on the way, "Peter, you had another good number." So today is a day for me to be grateful. I'm grateful for modern medicine and I'm grateful for the expertise of 21st century doctors. Without them I probably wouldn't be around to write in this blog. I can happily say today, "I'm a cancer surviror."


HUMOR for today: Here are some funny thought-provokers about the differences between men and women.

NICKNAMES: If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate, and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave, and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wildman.

EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave, and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

Part II of WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED..

QUOTE from P.H. Snohomish of Washington state: In answer to the question, "WHAT RESOLUTIONS DID YOU KEEP IN 2010?" He answered, "I resolved not to make any New Year's resolutions - one way to keep them."

What I LEARNED today. I learned more reasons about WHY MEN ARE SELDOM STRESSED. (These were emailed to me by my brother Don who lives in Lindstrom, Minnesota.)

21. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
22. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
23. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
24. You almost never have strap problems in public.
25. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
26. Everything on your face stays the same.
27. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe for decades.
28. You only have to shave your face and neck.
29. You can play with toys all your life.
30. One wallet and one pair of shoes -one color for all seasons.
31. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
32. You can do your nails with a pocket knife.
33. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
34. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
NO WONDER MEN ARE HAPPIER.

HUMOR for today: More Norwegian jokes.

Ole the Norwegian loved his wife, Lena....even though she was a bad cook and left the food on the burner too long. When she finally presented Ole with a new baby, everyone in town held their breath when it was learned the baby had a rather dusky skin. But that didn't bother Ole. He just smiled and said, "Yah, dat Lena....she just burns everything."

A Minneapolis family discovered a nest of skunks under their house. After several attempts to get rid of the little stinkers had failed, they decided to ask some Norwegians down the street to bring some lutefisk to put under the house. The skunks left, all right. But then their problem was to get rid of the Norwegians.

Teslow, the builder, had a Norwegian friend who died broke. So, Teslow went out to raise some money for burial expenses. "How about $10.00 to help bury a Norwegian," he asked Scott, the lumber dealer. "Here's $100.00," said Scott. "Go bury 10 ot them."

Crop scientists have come up with a new strain known as "Norwegian Oats."
They are tall, light colored and empty headed.

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM STRESSED

QUOTE from Winston Churchill: "Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiam."

What I LEARNED today: The following has been making its way around the internet but I'm going to use it anyway even though you may have already read it. I've seen stuff like this before but this is the most extensive one. As a result I learned quite a few new differences between men and women.

So here goes: WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED.

1.Men are juc happier people - whar do you expect from such simple creatures?
2. Your last name stays the same.
3.Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4.You can be President.
5.You can never be pregnant.
6.You can wear a T-shirt to a water park.
7.You can wear no shirt to a water park.
8.Car mechanics tell you the truth.
9.The world is your urinal.
10.You never have to drive to another gas station because this one is too icky.
11.You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
12.Same work, more pay.
13.Wrinkles add character.
14.Wedding dress is $5,000. Tux rental is $100.00.
15 People never stare at your chest chest when you're talking to them.
16.New shoes don't cut, blister,, or mangle you feet.
17.One mood all the time.
18.Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only on suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.

(I will continue the list in my next post.)

HUMOR for today: More Norwegian jokes.

The Norwegians in Minneapolis have come up with a new drink. They mix Tang and prune juice and call it "Prune Tang."

Difference between "Uff da" and "Fee Da."
Off da....dropping a sack of garbage.
Fee da....getting your hands in it.

Two Norwegians dressed a hog in overalls and placed it between them in their pick-up as they crossed the Swedish border. Their motive was to avoid paying a special livestock tax. The border guard eyed the trio, asking their names. "Ole Johnson," "Knute Johnson," and then hog said "Oink." Passing them on, the guard remarked to his assistant, "I've seen some bad looking people in my time, but that Oink Johnson has got to be the ugliest Norwegian I've ever seen."

A Norwegian nurse was asked why she had a rectal thermometer behing her ear.
"My goodness," she exclaimed, "now I remember where I mislaid that ballpoint pen."

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip, they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go farther if you want to."
So Ole drove on to Duluth."